August Tid Bits

August was already a bruising month and I can hardly believe all that was crammed in! For the record, here's a few more things that happened around here.

Brent and I fit in a lovely bridge to bridge bike ride. 

Gita showing off all her CTR rings

A couple of flower arrangements I put together.

Once the kids are back in school, I declare it is officially fall! I surprised them all and put up the Halloween/Thanksgiving decor while they were at school and the came home properly delighted.

The sweater weather candle is a must!

Another day, another rheumatology appointment. Ireland asked to have cortisol injections as her knees were still bothering her and the last time she got them it helped significantly. Her doctor was hesitant...

...and no wonder! See the needle going in there? That was enough to make my stomach turn!

Typically we get a photo of Ireland jumping by this sign but not today. 

She didn't even walk out of there- we used a wheelchair and it turns out the grade on those parking ramps is steeper than you think!

While family was in town Whitney brought a dvd of the movie Shag. We oohed and aahed over the shoes with the bows on the heels and so I had to find something similar! Love these flats!

I decided to clean out the truck and came across this thermos we'd given up for lost.

A friend sent me this photo of Liesel and Ireland at the color toss. I love what good friends they are!

Brent ate up BYU Education Week! He was there from the first set of classes early in the morning until the last, every single day. I usually packed in it around dinner time but he soaked up as much as possible. He came home refreshed, full of ideas and so very happy. Things at home were rough, for sure but he was where he needed to be. 

Ireland was inducted into NHS.

I was sitting next to a very fidgety little sister who's parents were getting annoyed with her. I leaned over and told her I've been to tons of these and so we made a bet on which word/phrase would be said the most during the ceremony. I said something like, "leadership" and she thought for a second and went for "National Honor Society." Every time those words were mentioned, we looked at each other and counted it up. She beat me handily, and was pleased as punch with that! I think she kinda cheated...

So proud of Ireland!

Once I got all the laundry folded and put away.

Sometimes it actually happens and it needs to be recorded.

Brigitta insisted she had to try the Mt. McDonaldland shake which is berry topped with pink whipped cream.

She liked it!

Ooohkay, I'm anxious to close the book on this chapter of our lives. We got through August- and it was A LOT!

Danish Death Cleaning

This Danish Viking was one of the items I was able to spare. There was a Scottish clansman and a British bobby but those had been completely ruined by rodents. 

I will spare you the dirty details of what it took to get my parents stuff back from the fly-by-night moving company my dad hired. Let's just say it was a really bad combination of trying to save money, underestimating how much stuff they had and casually leaving the details up to us kids when it got complicated. Thank goodness my brother had the foresight to put Apple tags in a couple of boxes and for a brother-in-law who is an attorney, or we never would have gotten it back without paying thousands and thousands of dollars. But it was a fight, for sure and a messy one that I hope to never relive. We still had to pay using money orders (which can't be traced)- could this place have been any more shady?

Brent scouted storage places near us and everything was moved in, mostly by us. Brent wasn't planning to be away from work so he had to step away for critical meetings while I dragged boxes and furniture from the hallway where the moving guys dropped it. The one in charge insisted they only had to take a certain number of steps and then they would do no more. Eventually they moved the truck to a closer door but it was just awful start to finish.

I never did get a photo of the storage unit completely full. A combination of exhaustion and just wanting so desperately to be DONE, I'm sure, but believe me it was chock full from floor to ceiling. We had a hard time closing the pull-down garage style door. My parents assisted living expenses aren't cheap and it was painfully clear they would never live on their own again. We needed to address all the stuff before we were paying thousands just to store it all. Once we actually had everything, it was time for the siblings to rally and go through it all. Have you heard of Swedish Death Cleaning? Well we are Danish and so we did some Danish Death Cleaning. 

Day 1 was dealing with the big, heavy furniture. I took some of it but there were mattresses (which cannot be donated or resold) and old couches that should have been tossed long ago. Reagan and I loaded up the truck and strapped it down to the best of our ability. Which is to day not very well at all. 

After that we made another attempt to strap down mattresses- which we had to redo when Doug said the whole thing was liable to fall over into the road once we started driving. So we headed to the dump site with just a couple of them, figuring we would take several trip as we dug further and further into the storage unit. Whelp, turns out every trip would cost us money. The kind lady at the dump station told us we could leave the mattresses and come back with anything else we could fit and then we'd just be charge for one dump fee instead of several. As we drove away and thought about how much was left in the storage unit, Reagan and I knew it wouldn't be enough. 

The movers never completely emptied the first storage units in Iowa and Logan would be coming with what remained in those. We quickly formulated a plan and headed to U-Haul to rent a truck. This all took time, but the progress we made from this point on escalated so quickly. We found Joey and Lisa working hard when we made it back to the storage unit which helped tremendously. As big pieces of furniture were moved out, we had more and more space to get into everything. I called U-Haul to see if we could get another day and they told us the truck had already been rented- all of them had- as there were a lot of kids headed off to college. We had just 1 day to get it done.

Slicked in sweat and grime, we loaded that U-Haul in a frenzy to prepare for our 1 dump before the place closed. Did I mention it's closed on the weekends? If we missed the window, we were screwed. Making matters worse was a woman Katrina befriended who suddenly volunteered to take much of the furniture. What we weren't going to dump, we were planning to donate but she suddenly was shopping and soon furniture lined the hallways we were trying to move in and out of. She was even looking at items on the truck- hoping we'd unload it so she could get a good look at it and decide if she wanted it. Ugh she was the worst and had absolutely no sensitivity about the situation! With time ticking, we had to take what we had to the dump station. 

There was something cathartic about tossing the obviously broken furniture and garbage. Truly, there was straight up garbage. As Mom's Alzheimer's worsened, she stopped cleaning and organizing and it showed. If you've never been to a dump station- they absolutely reek. There were mystery pools of fluid we had no choice but to step in and then our shoes reeked too. 

I'm grateful for siblings with a sense of humor who kept up spirits. Dressed like one of the Village People, we had to get a YMCA photo. The sweet lady at the dump station had become worried when we didn't come back right away. She was so wonderful in a desperate time of need and she even gave us a discounted rate. This took a load off- mentally, physically, emotionally. We still had a lot of work ahead of us, but it was doable now.

We all grabbed some much-needed lunch while Katrina helped her new friend (who had just rented another storage unit for all her new finds) move the stuff she wanted. We still had the U-Haul through the end of the day so we kept working to sort donate, garbage, keep. There were little wins- Whitney really wanted this shortbread tool and if it hadn't been lost, I was determined to find it for her! I cheered when we came across it. 

We had made so much progress, but now we were deep in the weeds getting into those boxes. At one point, I grabbed something when I wasn't wearing gloves and my finger squished into poop. I'm not sure if it was human or animal, but the sadness of the whole situation hit me and I looked at Reagan. "What?" "I accidentally squished my hand into some poop" the tears were coming fast. Knowing immediately, she ushered me outside with Ireland to take a break. We loaded garbage into the U-Haul and along with Joey, we stopped by the church dumpster- which we filled to the brim. No really, we had to jump on top of the pile to get it all to fit! Then we filled the U-Haul with gas and returned it. Renting that thing really saved our skin. 

Day 2 was marginally better. I got up really early and took the remaining garbage pile to the dumpster around the corner (which was technically for another business). Then I filled my car to the brim with the items we earmarked for Goodwill and cleared those away. It still seemed like just a drop in the bucket! There was just So. Much. Stuff. Logan met up with us and the remainder of Mom and Dad's belongings from Iowa. I luckily ran into the manager of the storage unit and he told me there was a huge garbage bin we could use since it was due to be collected the next day. At last all the siblings had arrive and it was time to really get down to business. We tore through boxes and made piles. At some point we stopped working on the storage unit and went through Logan's trailer so we could use it to load more furniture to be donated. Then it was back to the storage unit. We went from this:

To this:

To this, where everyone stopped what they were doing and we went through the Christmas decor. This was surprisingly the most sentimental part of it all and those ornaments were spread among everyone- a new home with some renewed hope. 

In the end it came down to the tools and car parts. Joey and Logan separated Model A, Thunderbird and Mustang parts. They talked through the duplicate tools (many still in their packaging) and we loaded the last of the donations and sibling piles. Reagan decided to rent a car and drive home as many of the tools went to Doug who would put them to good use. Whitney prepared her items for shipping. 

A friend of mine knew we were doing this and mentioned down the street her neighbors were doing renovation work on their house so they had a dumpster with some room. They'd told her she could use it and so she passed along the invitation to me. At this point we had used a U-Haul truck at a dump station, 2 dumpsters and a huge garbage bin but oh yes, we had more! We met her at her neighbor's dumpster and tossed the last of it. From there we made our last donation at Savers and then that was it. I swept out the unit, closed the door and told the manager we were done. It was over. We got through it without any major fights or hurt feelings and with a family this big, that's practically a miracle.

Rather than spend the night, Logan wanted to head home which was completely understandable. He had dealt with my parent's stuff multiple times at this point and he was just done. The rest of us cleaned up and prepared to celebrate Lisa's birthday at Maggiano's. Brent was finally home from BYU Education Week and he was planning to take the train home but since we had finished early, I was able to pick him up from O'Hare. I filled him in on all that had happened and we breathed a collective sigh of relief the cost of that storage unit was no longer hanging over our heads. 

I cannot think of a worse way to spend a birthday but Lisa never complained once. She worked hard and kept a sense of humor about it all. In a way, I'm so grateful we were able to turn our attention to her after a couple of long, difficult days. My gosh I love her so much!

We have a tradition in our family where we go around the table and say "I like birthday person because..." as well as "I remember when..." Everyone shared heartwarming stories about this sister from another mister and we managed to close this whole chapter on a high note. Lisa is Jewish and this was our Last Supper, so of course we had to get a photo!

Did I mention how happy I was to have Brent home again? It felt like he'd been gone for ages!

Sometimes I feel real sadness and guilt for these in-laws who married into all this mess. Brent found this and it absolutely brought me to tears.

Lessons Learned

1. If something is sentimental to someone, give it to them sooner rather than later. Much of this stuff just sat in my parents house, unused for decades and decades. Now it will be cherished like it should be. 

2. When Brent and I approach retirement, we are going to scale down to a 1 bedroom apartment. We will offer the girls the big furniture and disperse it to them when they are young and can use it. 

3. Watch your hobbies. You may love something like painting or fly-fishing but that doesn't mean any of your kids will. Reign it in and gift your stuff to someone who shares your interests and would use it.

4. Love your children enough not to burden them with your stuff. I hope to only leave my girls with stocks and cash. Easy peasy.

5. Keep records clean. The next day Reagan, Whitney and I made a study of every single piece of paper. I put a fire in the fireplace and burned what we didn't need which took a while. 

It was another few weeks before I was able to go through the things we kept for ourselves and for our girls. The weekend we organized all the tools was a big one. Dad really had great tools, and a lot of them. Our stash was rather anemic and now we have a fully stocked toolchest, which I'm grateful for. More than anything, we will never have to go through this again! 

Losing Ana

I found out earlier than most. A friend of mine has a daughter in Ireland's grade and she lost her son to suicide several years ago. The school contacted her because the news would hit her daughter differently than most. "We lost a Madrigal over the weekend." The statement just wouldn't sink in. I mean I knew who was in Madrigals, but losing one? She told me why she had been notified and it still wouldn't sink in. One of them had taken their own life? Well that doesn't sound right. That phrase just never sounds right.

Mondays are late start at the high school so I was in the car dropping off Sydney and Brigitta. Ireland prefers being early, so it would be two more runs to the high school. I had about 5 minutes to decide what to tell them and ultimately decided keeping this kind of news to myself might hurt feelings later. Pulling Ireland into Liesel's room, I gave them the news. Obviously they wanted to know who it was but I simply didn't have that information... for sure. Ireland started crying. Liesel tried to wrap her brain around it.

You see, on Sunday night a friend called Liesel in a panic. He couldn't get a hold of Ana and he saw an ambulance by her house. Liesel and Ireland asked if they could pick him up and take him to McDonald's so he wouldn't be alone. I wasn't wild about this plan on a Sunday night, so I told them they they had an hour. Liesel assured him they'd see Ana on Monday and get the story then.

So on that Monday morning, I figured the best course of action was for the girls to go to school where they'd be given more information by adults, rather than frantic texts from other kids. I dropped Ireland off first, gave her a big hug knowing it would be a tough day and headed home to grab Liesel. My friend called again and confirmed it was Ana. Then the news sunk in. All the dots connected and it felt like the whole wide world imploded. When I pulled up in the driveway, Liesel was standing outside on the phone- a friend had just conveyed the news. I ran out of the car and wrapped her up with every ounce of love I had in my whole body and soul while she sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I've never heard her make a sound like that- and it will haunt me my entire life. I'm sure every neighbor heard her. I'm sure I don't care. 

These pictures were from Friday night- FRIDAY- at the color toss. There she is in braids with a paw print on her cheek. These kids look so fresh and fun and all-American.

After the color toss, having earned their "tiger stripes." 

She was just here- how could she be gone?

Win, lose or draw I needed to be with Liesel and I needed to see if Ireland wanted to come home. We headed to the school while Liesel was absolutely gutted beside me. I parked and walked with her among the throng of kids who looked at her curiously. When we entered the front office, Liesel was whisked away. A door I never noticed shut and a shade came down. They explained they had counselors and therapy dogs in the library. I thanked them and explained I had another daughter and I was worried about her. Using the walkie talkies they confirmed Ireland was already in the library. I just... I didn't know what to do. My girls were with professionals, which they needed but I felt like I should BE there. So I stayed in the parking lot for a couple of hours, just waiting in case they wanted to go home. 

That was the moment Liesel and Ireland's Bing Bong disappeared. Along with the loss of Ana, their childhood ended. And I couldn't do a dang thing about it. I couldn't fix it. I couldn't love them back to what they were  before. A loss like that is so jarring and it thrust them into a grown up world of hurt and pain I never would have anticipated. All my feeble attempts to support them as they grieved and grieved and grieved left me feeling completely helpless as a mother. 

To make matters worse, Brent was out of town at BYU Education Week. Luckily he was in an ideal space to ponder and pray, but he felt as helpless as I did. Our good Bishop gave them blessings. My ministering sisters (along with others) checked in on us often.

I have to say I'm incredibly proud of both Liesel and Ireland. No classes for a couple of days- they spent time in the library with fellow students and with those incredible therapy dogs. Eventually they made it back to class. They organized a memorial service near the lake with candles and an opportunity for people to share their memories of Ana. I was blown away at how many kids came out. There was a school board meeting nearby and Liesel's old principal saw her. She later told me she wanted to give her a hug but felt it wasn't the right time but she begged me to please pass on her condolences. 

No one had heard from the family so after a few days Liesel, Ireland and a friend stopped by their house. Liesel tells me Ana's parents just hugged them over and over. At one point, her mom took Liesel by shoulders and said, "I know Ana loved you." Liesel brought a big poster to the choir room with "I love Ana because" so everyone could write messages. Once it was full they gave it to her family. A meal train was created. Flowers were dropped on their porch.

The big question: Were there signs? Yes. There were signs. Liesel had a Goodbye to Summer party just before school started and they all burned cd's to share with each other. It was taking a little while so Ana told Liesel not to worry about hers- she could give it to her later. Ana probably knew there wouldn't be a later.

 When I saw this song on the playlist my heart went into my throat. When I listened to it, it stayed there. At that party, Ana told Liesel and others she was struggling- to which they all said they loved her and were there for her. That was Monday and within a week she was gone. Liesel found comfort in the fact that was one of the last things she said to her. In terms of the coulda, woulda, shoulda, Liesel and I have talked about how much she did do and how it is not her job to fix everything for everyone. It's still a struggle for her. 

Events like this bring out the people who know how to swim in deep waters. My brother also lost a good friend to suicide and he became particularly concerned for my girls. His wife sent them bracelets of amethyst beads with an dove charm attached. Apparently during the pandemic, Ana jokingly referred to herself as Amethyst, so that had a special significance. After the memorial service, the long and painful parade of firsts began. The first weekend without Ana. The first Madrigal's practice without Ana. The first assembly where she wasn't there. Grief anew. 

I'm grateful to our high school for the amazing support they gave my girls. Their counselor in particular was so very protective of them. I'm grateful for therapists- we scheduled emergency sessions. I'm grateful for therapy dogs. I'm grateful for my girls. This all brought into sharp focus what's really important and what's not. In spite of that all, we will always miss Ana.  

First Day of School

 We went straight from Cougarette Camp into locker set up and distribution day to prepare for the first day of school. Gita very much enjoyed having the middle school to herself- the only time in her childhood she will have that luxury. But all good things must come to an end and it was time for Sydney to join her. They always make it a festive event with ice cream trucks and inflatable tube men.

It definitely keeps things light when I'm filling out a gazillion forms. They got their locker assignments and walked their schedules. I'm a fan of a little self care before school starts to give just a bump of confidence for those first day nerves and so I took the little girls for manicures. Aren't these adorable?

Gita is on the left and Sydney is on the right. How can you not smile when glancing down at these sweet designs?

Per usual, the high school started earlier than the middle school. 

Last year of getting this photo!

A few days later it was time for our middle schoolers.

And just like that, the house was quiet and I surveyed the damage around me. I dearly love the girls but man is it nice to have a chunk of time to just breathe and catch up on some things!