I have to admit I've only read 2 pregnancy books. One is The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy which my friend Chelsea told me to read because it's just THAT funny. Long ago I was hanging out in Harvard Square and decided to stop by The Coop to glance through it. I found myself laughing out loud and decided to get it even though childbirth was so remote a possibility. The second book is Pregnancy Sucks For Him. I was in my first trimester when I spotted this one and a phrase on one of the pages caught my eye, "If she's finally able to sleep, don't wake her up. Ever." I decided to get it for Brent but ended up devouring it myself. Other than that, no obsessive reading, no gossiping with girlfriends, no watching A Baby Story. I just didn't want to freak myself out when it wouldn't do me any good. So it's with this limited knowledge that I went to our birthing class today.Even though I knew this class would be a frank and honest discussion of what to expect, there were some surprises I wasn't entirely prepared for. So here's my Top 10 Things That Shocked My Socks Off About Labor:
10. Somehow I thought I'd have a small amount of sweat around my hairline, and my cheeks would be rosy with all the exertion. Brent could look down on his glowing wife and be proud of how she was such a trooper. Turns out that's not the case. We watched videos. I saw woman after woman looking like she'd been dragged out of the dumpster... in Hoboken. The looks of panic combined with the rolling eyes and moaning. Oi, not a pretty picture. My visions of retaining some shred of my beauty in this whole process melted. BTW- I haven't been that terrified of an instructional video since I took Driver's Ed.
9. Epidural. Good idea, right? Everyone's talked about it like it's the Taj Mahal of the birthing experience. Turns out anesthesia won't even consider doing one until you've had a bag of fluids via I.V. in you... no matter HOW hydrated you are. This brought up many fond memories of the last time I had to get a bag (or two) of fluids for dehydration. Oh, and it takes about 20 minutes for the entire procedure and another 20 for the whole thing to take effect. That's over an hour of dealing with the contractions unmedicated. Not to mention of all the epidural fans I've talked to, not one mentioned the requisite catheters (note, PLURAL) that go along with it.
8. Along those same lines, I found out the epidural can significantly slow down the labor process and eventually you may be headed for a Cesarean. I know many a woman who's a fan of the Cesarean. Not so much.
7. Brent has to breath WITH me. That's right, all that silly huffing and puffing you see belabored women doing? He's supposed to do it with me because supposedly I'll forget everything we learned today when I'm writhing in excruciating pain.
6. I really don't like stinky feet. I realized this near the end of the day when the woman to my right took off her slippers to relieve her swollen feet. While I sympathize with her, I almost choked on the fumes. Of course, I didn't say a word because her husband had a t-shirt that said, "Maine State Prison" on it. Besides, they were really nice people.
5. There's a variety of fluids that will be flinging out of my body while I'm in labor from vomit to blood to well, the baby I guess. Essentially my innards will become my outtards. There's no other way to put it... it's just plain gross.
4. Water helps to bring on labor. So my love of baths, warm showers and the like may just come in handy. Hooray, I feel like I've done something right!
3. Yoga, it makes more sense now. Our instructor talked about how we needed to
breathe deeply so we'd stay "relaxed" during the intense pain. Reminds me of when I'd be in the down dog pose with my posterior in the air, all that weight pressing on my tiny little arms and wrists and my yogi would say, "Breath into the pose.... now relax... deeper." I thought those yoga instructors were just sado-masochists. Now I'm seeing their relation to the circle of life.
breathe deeply so we'd stay "relaxed" during the intense pain. Reminds me of when I'd be in the down dog pose with my posterior in the air, all that weight pressing on my tiny little arms and wrists and my yogi would say, "Breath into the pose.... now relax... deeper." I thought those yoga instructors were just sado-masochists. Now I'm seeing their relation to the circle of life. 2. Somehow I was hoping all the unsolicited advice would stop once I had the baby. Turns out that just continues... for the rest of this child's life. Luckily I haven't had TOO much regarding labor and delivery. My favorite was the girl who told me to try and put off having my epidural for as long as possible because it would help me with the pushing. This is the girl who's planning on adopting because she's terrified of labor.
1. I was under the (false) impression that all the ugliness of labor and delivery would be erased once you saw that perfectly beautiful creature. Hmmm, I guess that's actually not QUITE what happens. The instructor showed us a variety of pictures of things that shouldn't throw us off when we finally meet our offspring. In one of the videos, the mother even commented about her newborn, "It doesn't even look like a baby!" Yeah, between the cone heads, vernix, swollen faces, slime, genitals, blood, purple hands and feet, rashes, "stork bites", peeling skin and other lovely normalcies, turns out that's not entirely the case. Soooo, ooohkay.
I guess I'll just take the advice of the birthing instructor and take things one contraction at a time.
8 comments:
Danika I came upon your blog via Libby Boss'. I am the poster child for an epidural. If you would like some unsolicited advice about an epidural give me a call or e-mail me and I will give you my two cents. I promise you that an epidural is not as bad as your instructor made it sound. The time it takes and the requirements can be totally worth it.
-Mindy Chase
An epidural is SO WORTH IT. My experience with Henry was thus: the first bag of fluids was gone in no time flat. Seriously, I was amazed that the entire bag was gone that fast. I won't lie about the IV, though. It f-in' hurt. The nurse tried to put it in twice and was unsuccessful, so she left it for the anesthesiologist do it. He did a MUCH better job. An IV shouldn't be such an ordeal as when you were dehydrated b/c you have enough fluids in you so your veins aren't going to be weak/restricted/little.
the only waiting I had for the epidural was waiting for the anesthesiologist b/c they were so busy that day. As soon as he got that tube into my back [approximately a 2-minute procedure], it was insta-relief. It. was. fab.u.lous. I felt amazing. Before labor, I was most nervous about the pain of the epidural going into my back but I didn't even feel it.
Also, I didn't have a catheter. I don't know why, but I didn't. Or if I did, I am absolutely unaware of it. obviously. so i certainly don't recall multiple catheters.
And since my first labor & delivery was 5 hours from the first contraction to hitting the glorious 10cm, I'd hate to know how fast it would have gone without the drugs.
i've talked to a lot of women about their birthing experiences. I can't recall any that had a c-section b/c the epidural slowed down their labor. Usually there is another complication like the baby is breech or face-up or the woman's pelvis just won't let that kiddo through. if you've met someone who ended up w/ a c-section due to slow labor, i'll bet the doctor was just impatient. i mean, some women are in slow labor for 3 days and come out okay.
This was just my experience. You hear so many negative things, I just thought I'd give you a positive story.
My personal feeling is a woman should have an epi starting at 36 weeks. it would relieve so much pain and grumpiness.
Also, when those contractions hit, it was all I could do to BREATHE much less remember those stupid methods they taught in class. if Tyler had breathed with me, I likely would have ended up laughing at him...or hitting him. instead, he just rubbed my back while I was waiting for the epidural and that was all i needed. those contractions HURT. it's like menstraul cramps but since your uterus is 20 times it's normal size, it's a bit painful.
And just for fun, I'll send you pix of what Henry & I looked like in the immediate moments after giving birth. It may help to consider the photos of the people you know and love. you've definitely seen me in ugly moments to compare those to what i look like right after giving birth w/ no makeup and only 3 hours sleep. i won't send you a picture of my friend brittany after giving birth b/c it's not normal. you shouldn't be allowed to look that fabulous.
Anyway, I was surprised at Henry's blueness, his cone, and his Asian-look. But they start getting normal-looking pretty fast. And it's likely you will instantly think your child is the most beautiful baby in the world, even if it looks like a total alien. After a few days, she'll look more like a baby than an alien. If you're not instantly in love with her, don't worry about that, either. It's totally normal to be too tired to care or even to feel resentful of what this THING just put you through.
yes, the advice never stops. :)
As for bodily fluids in labor... they only come out of one spot and you're not able to see it anyway unless you've requested a mirror. i had a mirror with henry and it was interesting. i started bleeding prematurely [likely due to previa], so seeing that was disconcerting and after so long, watching that head come out of what used to be a little place sort of inhibited my pushing. i finally didn't care if he ripped me in two, it was so time for him to be out. so i stopped looking and got down to pushing and all was fine.
So that is the nitty gritty details, according to chelsea. I was going to email you about it, but decided to just post it for all to read anyway.
Having just witnessed a birth, I have to say that I agree with most of your conclusions from your birthing class with one major exception. Although it sounds generic, it is an amazing experience and I had only known this woman for 2 minutes, but I can honestly say she was beautiful while going through this tramatic and miraculous event. You will be great whether you have rosy cheeks or not :)
Congratulations you guys. I didn't realize you were expecting--that is fantastic news.
My wife, Carolina, thought she might not get an epidural, but as soon as we got to the hospital she was asking desperately for the epidural! :)
And birth isn't that bad either. Sorry you had an overdose. No one tells you that it is completely survivable, if inconvenient, and rarely lasts more than a day. Your experience will be your own, like getting your wisdom teeth removed, and for good, bad or indifferent, it will be over soon enough. I've survived it twice - in good times and bad - and still managed to sign up for #3. The world does not stop turning on it's axis, the ceiling doesn't cave in if all does not go as planned, and eventually they send you home with this little baby as thought they expect you to have a clue about how to do this. Just remember Mom's advice: Trial and Error, Threats and Bribes. You'll be fine.
Since I don't have a child, it is my right to dispense all the unsolicited advice I can possibly come up with.
*Your baby will come out one way or the other. After it's all said and done, you'll be glad that it's out.
*Feed your baby when it seems like it needs feeding. Unless you want it to be a fat baby. But then, people seem to like fat babies.
*When your baby is asleep, you should also sleep. This will probably be very difficult, since birthing a child is such a fast, painless, and energizing experience. You probably won't be able to sleep for months afterward!
*Your baby will poop on occasion. It should probably be cleaned after that.
*Remember all the miniature clothes and toys people have probably been giving you? Those are for the baby.
UNSOLICITED ADVICE ALERT!!!
OK, now I admit, I'm not the end all, be all of the birthing process........but WHO in THEE hell was your instructor? A former Nazi concentration camp marm? Maybe she wants you to expect the worst so you end up being pleasantly surprised? I disagree with most of what she told you. Yes, your epidural CAN slow down labor, but it usually doesn't. Actually, once you get an epidural, they usually also hang a bag of pitocin too, and then your body is relaxed and A LOT of times, your labor moves along faster.
The fact that they won't give you an epi until you've had a liter of fluids must be a hospital policy. Easy back door to that one.....go in EARLY! As soon as you think you are in labor, go, Go, GO! They immediately put the IV in and hang a bag. Then, by the time you are ready for your epidural, you will have easily had a liter of NS or LR in you. Problem solved.
Chelsea is right, it is pretty much instant relief. You may have a couple contractions while it is still kicking in. But it certainly isn't any 20 min.
IF you get a catheter, they put it in after you get your epidural. You don't feel anything and could care less. You are pain free and they could amputate your leg and you wouldn't notice.
Nobody looks fabulous after birth. You look HAPPY, but certainly not glamour shot fabulous. They call it labor for a reason.....it's like running a marathon.
Not ONCE did I use the lame-o "breathing techniques" they teach you. Personally, I think they are just trying to get you to focus on something other than your pain. You look and sound like a damn fool breathing that way. During our birthing class, when they taught that, Joel and I were laughing ourselves silly and the instructor had to ask us to please be quiet several times. Which of course, made us laugh even harder.
You may not necessarily FORGET the whole birthing process, but you IMMEDIATELY know it was all worth it. And you know you would do it all over again, and again, and again to have another little baby that you love SO much, SO fast. I remember one of the first things I said to Joel after Noah was born was "OK, getting drug behind the car was worth it, I'd even let you do it again to have another one if we had to."
And lastly, usually you are just SO excited to know you are going to meet your baby soon, that the adrenaline kicks in and you have few fears. It certainly isn't a scary time, it's an EXCITING time. Hope I'm there to witness it all......and to keep your nurses on their toes. :) Love ya, girl!
I love the irony of the unsolicited advice.
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