Hello Mother, Hello Father

I'd like to say a few things to my parents; these giants who currently rule my world (not for long though!). Before I came down to be a part of your family, Heavenly Father told me you were new at this and to have some patience with you two. By and large I think I've done pretty well minus a melt-down every now and again. But to make my, and by extension, your life a little easier, there are some things you should know:

1. Nude is the new black. I've been subtly trying to convey this when I quickly roll out of every diaper change and crawl as fast as I can. Going diaper-less and clothes-less is totally hot. You especially should stop worrying about trying to wipe the crap off my bum, it will dry and fall off eventually. Sure it may get on some stuff but I've seen Mom do laundry every other week. She can handle it! Oh, and about that whole "clean" thing you're both into. You don't have to constantly wipe my face, ears and hands. Just leave everything crusted on, I really prefer it that way. I don't see what's wrong with my method of cleaning which is to rub my face back and forth on your shoulder. Your cashmere coats are my favorite... they're sooooo soft!
2. They don't have electronics in the premortal life. This should help explain my fascination with the laptop, the camera, your cell phones and iPods. Mom really shouldn't have gotten so upset when I threw her blackberry at the window in the car. When I'm done with them, I'm done and I have no other way to let you know. That reminds me, throwing stuff is just FUN. You should try it sometime! I don't think you understand I'm studying the bounceability of everything you hand me. I'm a little tired of hearing "You tossed it, you lost it." Just get off your keester and give it back so I can move to phase two of my bounceability study.
3. I'm not dumb. I can tell when you don't want me to get into something which makes me wonder all the more what's in there. Even if it's a pieces of paper in a tidy pile. I just thought they looked better in a heap, crumpled up and even torn a bit. They were particularly fun to dance on. What's the big deal? I think Dad's boss at work will LOVE the new look! Handing me the pamphlet from the Jehovah's Witnesses just isn't the same thing. I'd been working on that tidy pile of paper for a good 3 minutes and you think I'd be satisfied with a measly pamphlet? Also I'm completely fascinated at the things you choose to throw away. I've found such interesting things in the garbage! Old wrappers with food stuck on them, used tissues, my old diapers, etc. Why would you get rid of these? I'm doing you a favor by giving you a second chance to save them by pulling them out of the garbage.
4. I was born to two people with water signs (Scorpio and Cancer) therefore I have a natural curiosity for the water. My fiery red hair needs some quenching every once in a while so if I hear it running, I come crawling. Water was meant to be splashed and in spite of what I've heard you say, the bathroom becomes magically dry after Mom's been in there after one of my baths. I really don't see what all the fuss is about. Besides, how destructive do you really think a 10 month old could be?
5. I am not a performing monkey. Even though I've been waving and pointing at everything that moves lately, I will not do it for one of your friends or my pediatrician. I will sit perfectly still and act as if I've never seen you in my life. Just don't even try it unless you're planning to pay me in ice cream for it. Even then, I can't promise anything. I have to be in the mood for making fish faces and that mood swiftly dissapears when you pull out the camera. I will not, repeat WILL NOT show everyone my efforts at assisted walking. That's just something that cannot be revealed to the world until I'm good and ready. I'll let you know.
6. I really like that game we've been playing where we race each other to the cupboards. The ones under the bathroom and kitchen sink are the most fun because of all those big bottles of different colored liquids. I especially like this game since I've been winning a lot lately. Let's keep playing!
7. Currently I'm a little short. The world is much more fascinating from your vantage point. Once I've communicated that I want to be held I DO NOT want to be put down... ever. I want you to hold me, standing up, until I fall asleep on your shoulder. I don't care what else you have going on be it dishes, dinner or a desperate need to go to the bathroom. I like high altitudes so just get used to it. Mmmmkay?
8. Green beans are gross. I get it. Ella gets it. What's wrong with you people? They can't be good for you if they taste that bad.
9. This is hard to say, but it just has to be said. Dad, I hate to tell you this but you're already embarrassing me in front of my friends. When you drop me off at daycare, please don't humiliate me with the kisses and cuddles. Leave me at the ball pit and just walk away. There's a reason I've been looking at you as if you're my chauffeur when you try to say goodbye. You did your duty in transporting me to my play area, you are now dismissed. Oh and Mom, when you come to pick me up even though you need to collect my daily group sheet, the bottles and my dirtied clothes for the day, you should be doing this all one-handed so you can hold me the whole time. I don't know what you do during the day, but I've been playing and sleeping and eating so I need some TLC ASAP. I also don't appreciate your comments about how "heavy" I'm getting. I've been working hard stealing Cheerios from Fynn to get these adorable fat rolls! LOL!!! He's so slow!

Well I hope this helps you two. By and large you're doing a good job. I just don't think you understand I was sent to you to be the NEW head of household. Once you grasp that I think we'll all get along just fine. I'll be watching you two for progress!

P.S. When am I going to get my own blogger account?