May Tid Bits

I love my early morning walks as the sun is rising! This is my time to feel some gratitude and peace. I try to practice some mindfulness and wrap my head around my day. The skies are so pretty this time of year as this little corner of the world wakes up!

It's a little hard to tell in this picture but it was a hazy morning with a really thin layer of clouds. The pink from the sunrise stretched all the way across the sky, bouncing off of the haze and I got to witness a positively pink heaven!

 

Liesel's closet is a bit spare- mostly because all her sisters steal her clothes- so we did a little shopping to beef it up again.

I'm always attempting to get her to cover up her abs...

...and it always backfires. When she came out in this outfit I told her she looks like the girl who gets murdered first in a horror movie. All that white!

This made me laugh because I have been that kid bringing my dad both screwdrivers.

I've been begging Brent to let Liesel start cutting the grass so she can hone her driving skills and he has refused. He finally gave in and let her try a little bit on the backyard. She stayed in one gear- haha!

Open House at the elementary school! Liesel and Ireland tagged along to see their old teachers and we were able to personally thank Gita and Sydney's current teachers for all their hard work and dedication!

They got some really good ones this year!

This made me laugh! I'm always encouraging the girls to leave each other notes in their lockers but this isn't quite what I had in mind.

I also love this!

Chatted with Ireland about whether I should have my parents sign their Oh the Places You'll Go books.
Ireland: Hmmm, probably not a good idea. Grandpa's would just be scribbles because his hands chake so much. 
Me: yeah
Ireland: Grandma would just write something weird like, "Time to shuffle off to Buffalo!"

Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying!

For Mother's Day I asked to have Annie's mac n cheese and a charcuterie board. Man did everyone set me up right! Liesel and Brent made not just one, but TWO types of mac n cheese and check out the charcuterie!!! He was also sure to have ranch dressing and honeycomb on hand. A Ritz cracker with honeycomb and strawberry is my new favorite. The girls enjoyed this dinner so much we decided to put it in the rotation for Sunday meals. 

Here's the video of the girls dancing to Tina Turner I sent to my parents:

Liesel got 11th place in her school hackathon!

Ireland spotted this cup at Starbucks and I made the impulse buy. For the most part, it looks black but in the sun you can see it's actually green. The texture gives me ASMR vibes and the whole thing just says Boss Lady to me. I love it!

It also coordinates well with the spiked mace I keep in the office!

A little boy came by the house and asked if Gita could play... I don't know how to feel and yet I am feeling all kinds of things as well. 

I joked to Ireland his other car is a Prius with a license plate "Jon Menos"

Liesel's Girl Scout troop went to a rifle range and she got to try shooting while laying down, kneeling and then standing. She got better and better!

My Dad used to play this game with us when we went to HyVee for breakfast. Brent and I went on a little date while Liesel and Ireland were at a stake skating activity and I had to test him on it. He did well!

One of the sweetest notes I've ever received from Sydney.

Liesel is going to start making socially conscious front door decor. She's going to call it Wreath Bader Ginsburg.

Our dryer was packed full of detergents and I finally decided to make it pretty. Once I was done, the girls started asking if they could please, PLEASE do some laundry?

This was a fun hairstyle to do on Gita and she looked fire in it!

Made me laugh!

The Chicago Temple was open on Memorial Day! Brent and I were able to take advantage and we went to the Spanish session. My Spanish is really rusty!

Sydney bridged from Brownies to Juniors!

This is a cute troop of girls!

That wraps up the last of they May-hem!

Brigitta's Fifth Grade Clap Out

 And then there was one... after all our years of having kids in elementary school, Sydney now has the place all to herself! Brigitta moves to middle school next year. Initially I felt like a good parent showing up for the Clap Out until I saw the parents with signs... and balloons... and plans to whisk their kids right off for some celebratory ice cream. Well, we showed our faces at least!

Super proud of this girl!

Liesel tagged along to cheer her on (and to drive).

Gita's had a lot of trepidation about moving on to middle school which Ireland hasn't been helping. She tells horror stories of things that happen on the bus and in the hallway. Liesel allayed those fears a tiny bit.

I had the chance to meet a lot of Brigitta's friends during Field Day when I met her for lunch. She's surrounded herself with a pretty cute group of friends.

In spite of her fears, I have no doubt she's going to slay in middle school!

A Tough Mother's Day

This year I found myself in a bit of a quandary: I wasn't sure if I should call my mom for Mother's Day. Not because I was busy or because we'd argued recently or even because I just didn't want to. 

You see, my mother has Alzheimer's and she no longer remembers who I am.

This picture is from our sister's trip to Sarasota, FL in May of 2021. This is the last time Mom was still pretty much Mom. For years my sisters and I had noticed various signs that were clarion calls something was awry. I now realize it was probably many years even earlier still (maybe decades earlier?) that the disease began to manifest itself. We were too slow to pick up on those scarlet flags way back then. Mom became skilled at covering tracks when her memory failed her. She oh so cleverly smoothed over oddities in dialogue, pivoted entire conversations and joked things off to camouflage it all. My gosh she became a master of disguise! Meanwhile there was a detritus that was relentlessly diminishing her cognition day by day.

When I was a child and we learned a new song in Primary or memorized a Scripture Mastery Scripture in Seminary, I remember the teacher writing the words on a chalkboard. We'd say it in unison and a lucky someone would get to go up and erase a few words. We'd repeat it and then someone else got to erase a few more words. We'd do this over and over until the blackboard was blank and we'd magically have it memorized. By then we could say the whole thing, perfectly unaided. 

That is what Alzheimer's is like- I'm watching my mother be erased. Slowly at first- maybe just an "and" or "the" but the essence was still there. Then the big words, the significant words, that bring home the meaning are wiped away and it gets so much harder. My mother is becoming the empty blackboard and I hope to God I have been an attentive and witty child who can recite what was once there. Small things, like how she was so happy on that beach in Sarasota. Big things like the fact she is my mother. But am I truly someone's child when they can't acknowledge their parentage anymore? I can't help but feel on this Mother's Day the disease has made a bastard of me, as I stare into the void of that stark, bare blackboard.

The Alzheimer's is tragic enough but it's so much worse than that. My parent's independence and stubbornness over how they want to live out their sunset years has kept me awake at nights crying. Mom has developed some anorexia and kleptomania to boot- as if the Alzheimer's wasn't bad enough. "Sandwich Generation"- that's what they call those of us trying to walk the slippery slope of our own young children and our elderly parent's increasing demands for care. "Vise Generation" would be more apropos of what it is really like. I'm slowly being crushed on all sides while the vise tightens a bit more and a bit more. 

I can't even remember what life was like before the constant dread, despair and depression over my aging parents. I feel as if I live with a giant axe over my head, which at any moment it is going to swing down on me- one swift motion full of pain and damage. It's like that moment at the top of the rollercoaster when you realize the drop is much more steep than you anticipated and you can already hear some screams of terror but you are strapped in and there's no way back, no way off the ride. Choice is no longer your luxury- you must go through with this whether you like it or you absolutely do not. I'm exhausted all the time from the pervasiveness, permanence and pronounced nature of the disease and my parent's decisions. 

I swear I'm not just being maudlin. I've fielded so many calls from concerned friends and family. Maybe someday I will chronicle all it took just to get Mom diagnosed. That was a debacle of epic proportions, I promise you. I spent one morning sobbing incoherently to a counselor with the Alzheimer's Association and then spent the second half of the phone call frantically apologizing for laying all my heavy burdens at her feet. This. Is. So. Hard. There's no upside, there's only decline. We all know how this ends, right?

Recently my parents visited and I noticed Mom referring to Dad as "this guy" and "that one there" and I realized she didn't know who he was either. I casually asked her about the man seated across the table from her and she brushed it off. Perhaps I should have left it alone but I continued to dig. After repeated inquiries, eventually Mom said Dad was "the most important man in my life" and a bit later "my husband". When I pressed for his name, she hedged and said it was an unusual name. At long last, with a fake Danish accent I suppose she meant to be funny, she rolled out Richard Bruce Nielsen. Mom arrived at the destination but oh the detours we took for her to remember the man to whom she is attached at the hip is her eternal companion! It was heartbreaking. I don't know if I will ever get over it. 

Did I call her for Mother's Day? No, I did not. Mom is still a pleasant person but I can tell it distresses her a bit when I call her "Mom." A whole conversation on the topic would have been unnecessary and unkind. Instead, the girls put together a little dance to Tina Turner's song Proud Mary. I know Mom and Dad like that song and even if she didn't recognize the girls in the video, she could at least be entertained a bit. 

It's so odd to mourn the loss of someone who is physically still here. 

iFly Indoor Skydiving

 

Liesel's troop was invited by another troop to go to iFly to try out indoor skydiving. They needed 5 girls total so I volunteered Ireland as well. The troop leader was busy so I was happy to drive. iFly is a sponsor of the Girl Scouts and they didn't just throw them in the chamber, they had a whole program planned including calculating terminal velocity for different objects.

The girls sure looked cute in their flight suits!

I'm glad they could do this together.

Liesel put her shield down and then couldn't get it up so Ireland tried helping her out. I think there was a release on the side.

Each girl went into the chamber twice. The first was to get them used to how to position their body and to calibrate the wind speed. The second was so they could actually fly a bit

Here is Liesel's 1st Attempt. Her shoelace came untied and you can see all the girls checking their laces- haha!

Liesel's 2nd Attempt. She looks so much more brave falling into the chamber!

Ireland's 1st Attempt

Ireland's 2nd Attempt. I kept nodding at her like, "You've got this!" and she kept shaking her head at me. "No I don't Mom!" She did fly through the air with the greatest of ease.

The demo was pretty incredible- we were told going head down is really advanced.

What do you think happens to water? This was so very cool!

I was so proud of all those girls! And touched that as they faced some trepidation, they all glanced at me for a bit of reassurance. I queued up Brave by Sara Bareilles and we rocked out to that as we headed home. What an incredible experience for them to have under their belts!