Near Miss

Yesterday a hearse almost side-swiped me... a HEARSE! I'm always on the lookout for the crazy drivers but I wasn't prepared for the crazy drivers chauffeuring the dead. Okay, so it looked like the back was empty but STILL!!! It's not like anyone rents a hearse for prom, they're only used for one thing and you'd think they'd drive a little more... mournfully... or something. Maybe they're looking for more business?

Now, I expect the driving in the Northeast to be bad. They rank as among the worst every year (see: http://moneycentral.msn.com/content/Insurance/Insureyourcar/P151501.asp). Out here it's a schizophrenic combination of offensive, defensive and aggressive driving techniques compounded by the insane roads. It's not just an urban myth that the roads are really just paved cow tracks from ye olde days when they let cattle graze on the Boston Commons. Even though that was many centuries ago, the streets STILL aren't labeled clearly. Locals are just as baffled as tourist and even third generation Bostonians admit they can't give good directions around town. If you take a cab in Beantown, don't confuse it with NYC where you jump in and shout a destination like "Times Square" and have the driver present you with a panoply of options on how to get there. No no, out here you should expect to be TELLING the driver how to get there because he has no idea. As if the confusion above ground isn't confusing enough, they had to create the Big Dig which sends you in a maze under the city as well.

I've heard Miami drivers are bad but try and throw those drivers into some of the worst winter driving conditions and well, then you have a true Boston driver. If you can learn to survive the anger of a Boston driver, you are a lucky person indeed. Out here road signs are considered merely suggestions and a yellow light is akin to a checkered flag. Safely getting into and out of a rotary is about as easy as getting into and out of the mafia.

My favorite drivers reside on the other end of the continent in California. My father once told me he thought California drivers just seem to KNOW what everyone else on the road is thinking. He said they're practically all tuned to the same radio station. Might I mention my father is from California and he is quite a fine driver. I had the pleasure of driving the California highways on a couple of trips to see relatives as well as on my mission. When that kamikaze driver in the left-hand lane comes tearing down the road everyone just moves over a lane to let him through. It's like the antithesis of Utah drivers. Another great perk of California drivers is that unlike Bostonians who drive in all weather conditions, most Californians stay home if it's even slightly drizzling. Californians and rain are like Superman and cryptonite.

The only thing I can fault Californians for is they complain about the weather AND the freeways. Sorry, but after living in Boston it's hard to feel an ounce of sympathy for the fact you had to slow down to 40 mph on the 5 lane freeway making you a couple of minutes late. Oh, and it's ONLY 65 degrees today and windy? Wow you all have a hard life! Man, that reminds me of the puppet dog who did the weather report for a Hawaiian news station. It was hilarious but I can't find the link now. Anyone out there have it?