The Last Time

I could tell my nursing sessions with Sydney were numbered. Nursing has never been easy for me. I pumped incessantly with Liesel. I had mastitis with Ireland. Brigitta quit me after just 3 1/2 months. I'd look at nursing moms with their chubby babies convinced everyone else makes pure cream while my body can only produce skim milk. My greatest hope was to make it through the winter and by and large I had done that. Even though I told myself I wouldn't stress out about nursing Sydney, the thought of it all coming to an end made me sad.

It seems like finding my eternal companion took... well... an eternity. I spent so many years worried I would never marry or have a family of my own, the actual having of that family flashed by in an instant. In just five years all our kids are on deck and now I was losing the last bits of childbearing in me. Sydney was plenty ready to wean herself from me but I wasn't quite ready to wean myself from that part of life.

I waited a bit so I'd have a decent supply for her. Once the other girls were in bed and Sydney started to root, I cuddled her close and nursed for the last time in my life. I tried to memorize the sensation of feeding her body and soul with mine. She wrapped her tiny fingers around one of my own and breathed steadily as she instinctively worked her tiny jaw for nourishment. I thought of how appropriately named the babies' breath is. So delicate, so beautiful, so pure. I stroked her hair, rubbed her arms and legs, and patted her tiny bum. As expected, my supply ran out before she was sated and I gave my baby a bottle before she grew frantic.

Sydney quickly polished off the bottle and as her eyes fluttered to sleep, I whispered something that has become a mantra for us:

There, there little lamb. There, there.

You are safe. You are sound.

Mama is here and all is right with the world.

Let go of your fears, hold on to your dreams,

And sleep.

She gave a faint smile and floated off. I covered myself again, knowing in my bones I had given her the very last of what was in me.

And I cried.